Fashion

The polar vortex. Climate change. Infrequent but not unknown weather extremes, otherwise known as “it’s February, what do you expect?”.

None of that fully explains the extreme cold spell we’ve been having. Here is the real story:

The pandemic’s upending of our schedules and routines have left a lot of us calendar-challenged. “It’s Wednesday, right? No, Thursday? And the month? Um, just give me a minute.”

Obviously, the same thing has happened to Mother Nature. A couple of weeks ago she woke up and realized, “Oh, damn—it’s February already! Fall was supposed to be over three months ago. Now if I can just remember where I left all my winter stuff . . .”

Then she unloaded three months’ worth of winter weather all at once.

This is why some of us, who have been running blithely around in light jackets while our snowboots and heavy coats have been gathering dust in the hall closet, are feeling aggrieved by the cold. The daily high temperatures went from mid-fifties to below zero faster than you could say, “Where in the heck is my other mitten?” We were caught with our long johns—er, our guard down.

But we’re tough. We’re coping. We’re trying to remember that “There is no bad weather; only unsuitable clothing choices.”

Case in point—Bernie Sanders and his famous Inauguration Day coat and mittens. His choice of outerwear was neither a fashion statement nor a political statement. It was simply a practical statement from a guy old enough and wise enough to choose comfort over style on a cold day.

Anyone who lives above a certain latitude understands that if you need to be fashionable when it’s freezing, you have to make certain compromises. That’s why long underwear was invented. Wear it under your regular clothes, and you can stay warm but still look somewhat stylish.

Unless what’s currently stylish is skinny jeans. Long underwear does not fit comfortably under skinny jeans. This is true whether said underwear is lightweight silk or spandex tights. Trust me; I have verified it. Just don’t ask me exactly how.

If the Kardashians lived in Minnesota, the fashion world would do something about this problem.

Of the many oddities of fashion that make no sense to me, one of the most bizarre—right up there with four-inch stiletto heels and neckties—is ripped jeans. Not the grubby old ones you wear for cleaning the garage or gardening, but the oh-so-fashionable ones you can buy already strategically shredded.

Even though they may look like they came from the “Free” bin at the thrift store, these pre-torn jeans actually cost more than ordinary jeans with all their parts intact. If you want fashionably ventilated bottoms, it’s going to cost you top dollar.

No worries, though. You can save a bundle by distressing your denim yourself. I know this, because the other day I noticed a video on “how to rip your jeans yourself.”

I saw no need to watch the video, not having any interest in deliberately causing harm to a perfectly good pair of pants. Besides, I have years of experience in ripping my own jeans and observing the ways other people rip theirs. Here are some of the proven methods you might try:

1. Climb through a barbed-wire fence that is just a little higher than your legs are long or just a little narrower than other parts of your anatomy are wide.

2. Catch the pocket or belt loop on a door handle or some other protruding object.

3. Have an unexpected encounter with a fish hook. (Note: it’s not strictly necessary for the hook to be attached to a line or in use for actual fishing at the time.)

4. Trip over a sharp-ended stick that was hidden in the grass.

5. Wreck your bicycle.

6. Stumble, fall, and slide down a steep rocky hiking trail. Depending on the sharpness of the rocks, ten to twenty feet ought to do it.

7. Annoy the cat once too often.

8. Play a little too energetically with the puppy.

9. Spend a summer afternoon sliding down the concrete spillway at Canyon Lake Dam. This is especially effective for cut-off jeans. Hint: it’s a good idea to wear underwear that is decent but not necessarily your favorite.

10. Have an “oops” moment with the hedge trimmer, or for real efficiency, the chainsaw.

Just like other instructions, these do come with some warnings about care, maintenance, and safety:

A. Don’t take the mangled jeans to your mother or wife and ask her plaintively if she can fix them so the tear won’t show. Especially if the jeans are ones she bought for you within, say, the past week.

B. Before wearing the self-shredded jeans, soak and then wash them in cold water to remove any blood.

C. It may be wise to delay wearing the newly fashionable jeans until any incidental distress to your skin has healed, depending on the location and extent of any bandages, scabs, or stitches.

If all this seems like too much trouble, you might try another time-tested method. It takes longer but is guaranteed to get results. It’s simple:

Wear jeans. Work in jeans. Play in jeans. Wash jeans. Repeat as needed.