Skinny Jeans and Bernie’s Mittens

The polar vortex. Climate change. Infrequent but not unknown weather extremes, otherwise known as “it’s February, what do you expect?”.

None of that fully explains the extreme cold spell we’ve been having. Here is the real story:

The pandemic’s upending of our schedules and routines have left a lot of us calendar-challenged. “It’s Wednesday, right? No, Thursday? And the month? Um, just give me a minute.”

Obviously, the same thing has happened to Mother Nature. A couple of weeks ago she woke up and realized, “Oh, damn—it’s February already! Fall was supposed to be over three months ago. Now if I can just remember where I left all my winter stuff . . .”

Then she unloaded three months’ worth of winter weather all at once.

This is why some of us, who have been running blithely around in light jackets while our snowboots and heavy coats have been gathering dust in the hall closet, are feeling aggrieved by the cold. The daily high temperatures went from mid-fifties to below zero faster than you could say, “Where in the heck is my other mitten?” We were caught with our long johns—er, our guard down.

But we’re tough. We’re coping. We’re trying to remember that “There is no bad weather; only unsuitable clothing choices.”

Case in point—Bernie Sanders and his famous Inauguration Day coat and mittens. His choice of outerwear was neither a fashion statement nor a political statement. It was simply a practical statement from a guy old enough and wise enough to choose comfort over style on a cold day.

Anyone who lives above a certain latitude understands that if you need to be fashionable when it’s freezing, you have to make certain compromises. That’s why long underwear was invented. Wear it under your regular clothes, and you can stay warm but still look somewhat stylish.

Unless what’s currently stylish is skinny jeans. Long underwear does not fit comfortably under skinny jeans. This is true whether said underwear is lightweight silk or spandex tights. Trust me; I have verified it. Just don’t ask me exactly how.

If the Kardashians lived in Minnesota, the fashion world would do something about this problem.