According to reliable information that I just made up because I didn't find any statistics after five minutes of intensive Internet research, some of the safest drivers are middle-aged women whose kids are grown. Here are the top ten reasons this is true:
10. We're not distracted by eating in the car because we're always trying to lose five pounds.
9. After all those years of preparing family meals, we're not going to do anything that might increase our insurance premiums and reduce the money we have available for eating out.
8. We're not distracted by changing music CDs because all our favorite songs are still on cassette tapes.
7. It's hard to flirt your way out of a ticket when the patrolman is young enough to be your kid.
6. We're not distracted by looking for a radio station because we can easily find by touch the only two stations we listen to: oldies and NPR.
5. We don't touch up our makeup while we're driving because the magnifying mirror won't fit on the dashboard.
4. We never drink and drive because alcohol has too many calories.
3. We're less likely to use our cell phones while we drive. We don't answer the phone because it's buried in the bottom of our purse, so even if we hear it ring we won't be able to find it. We don't make calls because we've never figured out how to use speed dial and we can't see the keypad without our reading glasses.
2. After years of driving while simultaneously feeding Cheerios to toddlers in car seats, answering questions like "Where do babies come from?", and refereeing squabbles about who gets to sit by the window, being alone in the car makes driving a snap.
And the most important reason middle-aged women are the best drivers?
1. We know that, if we do get into an accident, the police report and the newspaper article are going to give our age.