Anything But Beige

As the mother of the groom, your primary role at the wedding is supposedly to “show up, shut up, and wear beige.” This advice presumably applies even more strongly to the stepmother of the groom.

Okay, the “showing up and shutting up” part is no problem. It’s great to be able to enjoy the festivities without having to worry about the details like whether the candles match the tablecloths exactly, and whether technical glitches will mar the slide show of embarrassing childhood photos of the happy couple, and whether it’s safe to seat Aunt Margaret and Uncle Leonard at the same table with Cousin Betty or whether they’re still feuding over that little incident from the last family wedding.

But wearing beige? No way. There’s the elegant red suit that will be perfect for the rehearsal dinner. There’s the slinky black velvet skirt that will be just right for the wedding. And, of course, if the stepmother of the groom wants to be able to wear either of those things and breathe at the same time, there’s the extra five pounds that she really ought to lose.

Two months before the wedding: It’s only five pounds. Eat a little less, exercise a little more, lose a pound a week. No problem.

One month before the wedding: Okay, so losing four pounds will be close enough. Eat a little less, exercise a little more, lose a pound a week. No problem.

Two weeks before the wedding: A couple of pounds one way or another won’t really make much difference. Maybe if I just don’t eat much the day before the wedding?

Two days before the wedding: The answer is so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner. It’s the instant, no-diet slimming solution. Control-top panty hose.

Not, of course, in beige.

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