Having spent the past three weeks in dedicated research, I am not at all pleased to announce my carefully documented results: Wireless Internet access contributes to obesity.
At least it does when you are a traveler, roaming restlessly, laptop in hand, seeking wi-fi in the wilds of the American West. It isn’t making the wireless connection that’s the problem. It’s the places you have to go in order to find it.
There was the fast-food place that promised wireless access—Mac-Internet, as it were. (Note: Take a couple of extra napkins to de-grease fingers before applying same to keyboard. Additional note: Using the drive-through is not appreciated by those in line behind you.) Would-be surfers were required to log in, either with a coupon received in response to a food purchase or with a cold, hard credit card number. Fair enough. There’s no reason a company should provide free Internet access to non-customers. But I didn’t want to log in and give an international fast-food giant my name and email address. It’s not that I didn’t trust them; I just didn’t want them sending me any tempting coupons for discounts on French fries.
There was the small-town public library. Did they have wireless Internet? They certainly did; I was welcome to take that table, or the one over there, or that one in the far corner. Great—no fees, no food. Unfortunately, no full access, either. Getting connected was easy, but the system seemed to mistrust me. I couldn’t download my email, and I couldn’t get into several of the sites I needed to access. (And no, they weren’t those kinds of sites. Really. Get your mind out of the gutter.)
Okay, that left the coffee shop. Free wireless access, good connection, no problems with sites or email. Except, of course, one can’t go into a coffee shop, use their Internet access, and not buy a little something. It would be downright churlish.
Besides, the place, which was a Christian coffee shop, had an assortment of goodies that would have presented Adam and Eve with some real temptation. There were the delightful whiffs of freshly brewed coffee, hints of exotic flavors that begged to be enhanced by luscious swirls of real cream. There were the jars of teas with tantalizing names like “Welsh Teatime” and “Russian Caravan,” just asking to be accompanied by scones or muffins. There were the cheesecakes and the cookies and the several flavors of ice cream.
Yep, there is definitely a connection between wireless Internet use and weight gain. My research puts it at about 342 calories per email.
But there’s hope. I think I’ll start a new research project. My hypothesis is this: Maybe, if I just delete the email messages, the calories will disappear as well.