Living Consciously

A Good Day To Be Alive

Sunday was a good day, because we didn't die.

It happened not long after we had crossed the state line from Nebraska into Colorado. As always, I smiled at the incongruity of the plain brown sign reading "Welcome to Colorful Colorado." We were traveling south on Highway 71, about 30 miles north of Brush.

The cold January day was the first of our planned two-day trip from South Dakota to New Mexico. Visibility, under low clouds and light snow, was about half a mile. When we passed a newly built wind farm, the tall windmills loomed eerily out of the clouds and snow like landing towers for alien spacecraft.

The road was what the weather service would have probably described as "snow packed and slippery." Mindful of the conditions, we were driving at about 50 miles an hour.

Suddenly the rear wheels lost traction. The back of the car slued to the right, then to the left and back to the right. We slid sideways across the width of the road and into the left side ditch, bounced up a steep five- or six-foot bank, spun around without hitting the four-strand barbed wire fence at the top of the bank, and stopped. We were facing back toward the highway, with the nose of the car at the edge of a 10- or 12-foot dropoff.

At least that's how the driver explained it to me after the fact. At the time, all I knew was that one second I was twisted in my seat, rummaging for the bottle of V-8 juice on the floor behind me, and the next second my partner had shouted something like, "Hang on!" and we were sliding sideways. The car was jolting from side to side, all I could see was snow, my head thumped against the side window, my knee hit the front console, and my contact lenses were slipping sideways so I clamped my eyes shut to keep them in place. Then we were stopped, which felt wonderful until I looked out my window and saw how close we were to the edge of a steep bank.

We sat still for a few seconds, then asked each other, "Are you all right?" and decided we both were. We sat for a few moments more and watched our fingers shake as adrenaline flooded our bodies and gratitude flooded our minds. I said, with what seemed to me great calm, "We need to back very slowly away from the edge."

He answered, "Oh, I was just going to drive straight back down." I hoped he was trying to be funny. At any rate, he backed up, drove along the bank to a lower spot, and pulled back onto the highway.

Had the skid happened a few seconds later, we might have slid into the pickup that was approaching from the south. A few seconds earlier, we might have gone off the road at the top of a steep ditch and rolled. A couple of seconds longer, and we would have dived nose-first down the steep bank to the road below.

Those few seconds might have changed our lives forever or even ended them. They didn't. The particular arrangement of circumstances at that particular time and place didn't leave us jammed into a smashed SUV with crushed legs, battered faces, or fractured skulls. We were merely shaken, not shattered. Even our vehicle was left without a scratch or dent, though with a slight wobble about the right front wheel and a souvenir bunch of dry prairie grass caught in the back bumper.

We drove—slowly—on to Brush through the increasing snow and decreasing visibility. After eight or ten miles, our fingers had nearly stopped shaking. We checked ourselves into a motel. We went for a walk through the snow to exercise the adrenaline out of our systems.

The next morning, under frigid sunshine, we had the car checked and the wheels aligned. Then we drove on south, slowly, carefully, and gratefully.

It was a wonderful day to be alive.

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The Gifts That Keep On Giving

The family Christmas get-together. Twenty-nine people, ranging in age from a few months to more than a few decades, gathered in a hunting lodge for the weekend.

Meals, with everyone contributing food and cooking and cleaning up. Story-telling around the tables. Board games. Card games. Puzzles.

Dedicated late-night putters together of puzzles. Equally dedicated early-morning deer hunters. Getting acquainted with the newest members of the family, both the "born to" and the "marrying into" variety.

And gifts. Gag gifts one evening, serious gifts the next. Many of them were hand-made, including a few (naming no names, but you know who you are) that were finished in the car on the way to the party.

As always, the most lasting gifts are the intangible ones: the stories, the laughter, and the memories.

Not to mention the germs. There's nothing like a few days of sneezing, sniffling, coughing, and aching to make you fully appreciate your family. It's truly a gift that keeps on giving.

A few of us are choosing to blame it on the baby, since he's too young to defend himself. But it could have been anyone. Thanks a lot, whoever it was. Merry Christmas to you, and all of your germs.

And wait till you see what's in your stocking next year.

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Jingle Bells, Christmas Socks, and Hot Cross Buns

The concert was one of the fringe benefits of staying with the grandkids for a couple of days. It's been so long since I attended one that had almost forgotten how much fun an elementary school Christmas program could be. (Oops—excuse me—holiday program—just a momentary slip into political incorrectness there.)

This particular performance featured the fourth and fifth grade band, orchestra, and chorus. Unfortunately, then, we missed some of the classic school program highlights: first-graders waving enthusiastically at Mom and Dad, second-graders forgetting to sing, and kindergarteners picking their noses or making wardrobe adjustments in the front row.

Still, there was plenty to enjoy. For one thing, we got a glimpse "backstage," as it were, being entertained before the performance by the necessary preliminaries. Girls—decked out in party dresses, shiny shoes, and hair ornaments—admired one another's outfits, giggled, and whispered. Boys—decked out in clean shirts—did their best to look cool and blasé instead of scared to death. Kids held their instruments high and flashed brace-enhanced grins while proud parents took pictures. Rows of violins and violas lined up for tuning up by the orchestra teacher.

Then the show was on. The first number by the band, all of whom had just begun learning their instruments at the start of this school year, was "Hot Cross Buns." I remember it well from back in the days when my kids were starting school band; evidently the curriculum hasn't changed much. Then came the obligatory "Jingle Bells." It was note-perfect, with four rows of fourth- and fifth-grade feet tapping in precise if slightly ponderous rhythm.

Half a dozen of the band kids had the unbelievable self-confidence to perform solos. One of them was a tall, slender girl with elegant cheekbones and a serious expression who played "My Favorite Things" on the marimba. Making a couple of mistakes didn't set her back; she kept her focus, finished with a flourish, and finally gave us a big smile that appeared to be a mixture of triumph and relief.

Next up was the chorus, whose members were in tune, polished, and obviously enjoying themselves. At the finale of their featured number, something called "Christmas Sock Rock," each kid tossed a pair of socks into the air and let them land helter-skelter in front of the stage. Their skill at this was hardly surprising, since no doubt all of them had practiced it at home for years.

The fourth-grade orchestra, beginners all, were naturally a little wobbly about the high notes. They all, however, were intent on their music and taking their instrumental responsibilities quite seriously.

I was pleased to note that both my granddaughter the violist and my granddaughter the violinist were among the most focused. That probably means more concerts in their future—and, if I'm lucky, in mine.

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Don’t Call Me At Dinnertime and I’ll Tell You No Lies

Have you ever lied to a pollster?

Me neither.

Okay, let's make a deal—I'll choose to believe you if you choose to believe me. And never mind the fact that anyone who would lie to a pollster might also lie about whether she had ever lied to a pollster.

Actually, I don't lie to pollsters. Suppose someone calls and wants to know my opinion on an issue—whether marijuana should be legalized, say, or whether the President is doing a good job. If I decide to answer the questions, I'll probably go ahead and tell them what I really think. That's assuming the caller is polite, the poll doesn't take too long, the questions appear reasonably unbiased, and I'm not in the middle of dinner.

For more specific questions, though, like which candidate I intend to vote for in a particular race, I generally decline to answer at all. For one thing, I tend to be suspicious about the impartiality of a great many polls. Framing questions so they are unbiased is incredibly difficult even if you're trying to be neutral—which, in my opinion, is often not the case. Maybe I'm just naturally contrary, but I prefer not to participate in what is essentially a marketing strategy for one candidate or another.

My second reason for not answering pollster's questions is, I hope, a bit more high-minded. One of the rights we have in this country is that of being able to vote in secret. I value the fact that no one, from an employer to a government official to my spouse, has the right to know how I vote unless I choose to tell them.

So why on earth should I share that information with some miscellaneous polling organization just because they happen to call and ask? If they want to find out how I'm going to vote, they can just wait until I get to the voting booth on Election Day.

After all, sometimes that's exactly what I do myself.

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Rocky Mountain High

How pathetic is it to be hiking in the mountains and be overtaken by a three-year-old girl in pink plastic shoes? Not only was she forging steadily onward and upward in her little Crocs—the backless kind, yet—but she kept talking the whole way without needing to pause for breath.

In our defense, we had to stop and rest several times because one member of our group wasn't feeling well. Another extenuating circumstance was that we were hiking at 10,000 feet. (The little girl, I'm sure, lives at that elevation.) Living in the Black Hills, I tend to think of myself as dwelling at altitude. Since our house in the foothills is at about 3500 feet, however, and since the highest point in the Hills, Harney Peak, is a modest 7242 feet, I guess I don't live quite as elevated an existence as I might like to think.

But we were on this steep, boulder-strewn trail for a higher purpose than to feel competitive with tots in Crocs. We were there to see St. Mary's glacier, which must be the smallest glacier in the world. It looked like a dirty snowdrift lying for about 100 feet along the side of a mountain. Not exactly spectacular, perhaps, but still worth the hike.

Going back down was much faster than the climb up; we even passed the little girl this time. Of course we were much too elevated—in the spiritual rather than the alpine sense—to feel at all superior about it. We had places to go, things to see, and other mountains to climb.

To drive up, anyway, on what is billed as the highest paved road in North America. It hugs the side of Mt. Evans for about 14 miles, two just-barely-adequate lanes with no shoulders and no room for sissified frills like guardrails. The steep drop-offs were awe-inspiring in more than one sense. I tried hard to believe our driver when he claimed he kept his eyes open the whole way.

We saw a mountain goat, only a few feet from the road, who paid no attention to the visitors taking his picture. He was too busy stocking up on calories for the winter ahead. From the thickness of his coat, he was well prepared for the cold weather to come.

At the edge of the tree line we got to walk through a stand of bristlecone pines, some of them 2000 years old. With their stubby wind-twisted branches, gnarled trunks, and scant bark, they're an amazing example of endurance through minimalist living.

The last stretch of the road was closed for the season, so we didn't make it to the 14,000-foot summit. The glacial lake at 12,000 feet, however, was still well above the tree line and was rewarding enough. The views were magnificent: aspens glowing golden in the sunlight, a shimmer of snow across the steep side of the summit, and a panorama of neighboring mountains. I needed a thesaurus to find other words for "spectacular," "awesome," and "wow."

Even the grandest of views, of course, can't make one forget indefinitely about the more mundane needs of life. As I approached the women's toilet, someone who was just coming out said, "I'm not the one who was smoking pot in there."

I believed her—just as I hope the next woman in line believed me when I said the same thing to her. But from the overwhelming reek of marijuana, someone certainly had been indulging in there. With acres of rocky slopes and ridges to disappear behind, her choice of a smoking site didn't make much sense.

Actually, it made no sense, in that marvelous spot near the top of the world, to smoke anything at all. Lock yourself in a toilet for a furtive joint? Or enjoy a magnificent view on a perfect October day? Only one of those is a real Rocky Mountain high.

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Kin Under the Skin

"It's just like a chicken." That was my first thought when I got a good look at the shoulder muscles and joints of a human body. They fit together very much the way a chicken's wing attaches to what would be its shoulder, if chickens had shoulders.

The comparison wasn't meant to be frivolous or disrespectful. It's just that I have more experience with chicken bodies than human bodies, having cut up quite a few chickens back before I got prosperous enough to mostly let the grocery store do it for me. (Which reminds me: our paper's food section yesterday featured a Community Education class on how to cut up a chicken. I can almost hear my grandmothers laughing themselves silly at the very idea.)

But I started out to talk about humans, not chickens. My knowledge of human bodies was expanded considerably this week by going to the Bodies Human exhibit that has been at our local mall for several weeks.

It's a display of real bodies and body parts, partially dissected and preserved through a process called "plastination." The idea may make you shudder. The reality, however, was awesome. The "eeew" factor was completely eclipsed by the "oooh" factor.

A kidney is much smaller than you might imagine. A heart looks a lot like the pump that it is. Lungs resemble sponges and are not nearly as tidy as most pictures show them. Muscles are layered over one another and connected in complex partnerships. Intricate networks of nerves and blood vessels thread across and through the muscles and bones. The human body is such an incredible, complicated, delicate machine that it's astonishing we work as well as we do.

I was lucky enough to see the exhibit in the company of my daughter the massage therapist, who is the family's resident expert on human anatomy. Her explanations added a great deal to the somewhat limited information that was printed with the displays. We weren't allowed to touch the exhibits, of course, so from time to time she demonstrated something on the nearest live human body—usually mine.

Actually, I noticed that all three of us who were there did the same thing. "Oh, that's the way the knee joint works," or, "That end right there is the funny bone in your elbow." And we'd be feeling our own bones or joints to compare them with what we were seeing.

The one drawback to the plastination process was that it made it harder to remember that the bodies were real, once-living human beings. The exhibits were prepared in a laboratory in Taiwan, where unclaimed bodies are often used for medical and scientific purposes. For that reason, I assume these people hadn't necessarily given permission for their bodies to travel here for the purpose of showing us their insides.

Nevertheless, I hope they might have approved. The opportunity to learn more about the miraculous inner workings of the human body was an amazing gift. I'm grateful to have been able to see it.

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Wolf Creek Pass, Way Up On the Great Divide

If you're young enough or sophisticated enough that the title of this post didn't trigger a tune in your head that involves trucks and chickens, you might want to do an Internet search for C. W. McCall. Another choice would be to call me and have me sing you the chorus. I recommend the first option.

For the rest of you, feel free to hum along while you read. You can thank me later for getting the song stuck in your brain for the rest of the day.

Traveling spontaneously, without a schedule or advance reservations, can be wonderful. It gives you the freedom to change your plans, go where your fancy takes you, and follow your impulses.

After a hike down into—and back up out of—Canyon de Chelly on the Navaho reservation in northeastern Arizona, we headed for Colorado. Our plan was to spend the night at Durango and then head east and north in a relaxed and spontaneous manner. It was an excellent plan, made in blissful ignorance that on Labor Day weekend there is a motorcycle rally in the southern Rocky Mountains.

When we ambled into the Comfort Inn at Durango about 7:00 p.m. and said we wanted a room, the young woman at the desk was too polite to say, "Are you nuts?" She merely explained that every room in Durango was full. She suggested we might find one 60 miles east at Pagosa Springs.

A bit discouraged but still spontaneous, we drove on to Pagosa Springs, where we trotted into the lobby of the first motel we came to. "Sorry," the clerk said. Everything in town was full. He did think, though, the very expensive lodge just down the street had a couple of suites left.

We negotiated our way through a maze of service roads to find the very expensive lodge, screeched to a halt in front of its very expensive looking lobby, girded up our wallets, and hurried in—just in time to hear a biker tell the desk clerk, "Your last room? We'll take it. Guess it's our lucky day, huh?"

Certain that this same biker had passed us on the road a few miles outside of Durango, and wondering why there was never a highway patrolman around when you needed one, we went back to the car.

According to the map, the next town was South Fork, 44 miles away. The road, up and over Wolf Creek Pass, was marked as a "scenic route." Since it was after 8:30 and full dark by now, this designation did not cheer us. We were tired, cranky, and carefully not thinking about either the possibility of sleeping in the car or the intermittent grinding noises the brakes had been making all day.

In a dogged but spontaneous manner, we headed up Wolf Creek Pass. It was a classic mountain road, winding its way higher and higher around sharp curves and steep grades and switchbacks. There was an occasional scenic overlook. We didn't stop.

Finally, near the top of the pass, we did pull over and get out to stretch and wake ourselves up with a little fresh air. It felt fresh, all right—about 40 degrees fresh. Still, we stood outside for as long as we could, looking at the scenery.

Yes, scenery. Stars. At that altitude and distance from any town, the stars were visible in a way most of us in our street-lighted communities rarely see. The Milky Way was a bright path across the sky. Constellations were vivid shapes against the darkness. It was (at least to the non-geologist in the party) even more awe-inspiring than the grandeur of the canyon we had explored at the beginning of the day.

Eventually, shivering, we got back into the car and headed down the mountain. A few miles further on, we found the elderly but clean Wolf Creek Ski Lodge. It had one room left. We settled in gratefully and slept the sound sleep of those who enjoy relaxed and spontaneous travel.

We were even more grateful the next day that we hadn't had to drive another 120 miles to Walsenburg. They were hosting a classic car rally.

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Preserved Asparagus

Dill pickles are delicious. Asparagus is tasty. That does not automatically mean that it's a good idea to combine the two.

Years ago, my late husband brought home a gift from a friend—a jar of the friend's mother's homemade pickled asparagus.

Asparagus was far and away Wayne's favorite vegetable. When he was growing up in eastern South Dakota, his family had asparagus in abundance without ever needing to plant it, because it grew wild all over the place. The most plentiful spot for it on their farm was a shelter belt that they called their "asparagus trees." This brought them funny looks from people who were pretty sure that asparagus didn't grow on trees.

His mother would cook asparagus with butter, cook asparagus with cream, and freeze asparagus. One thing she didn't do, however, was make pickles out of it. We thought it would be fun to keep the jar until she was visiting, so we could all find out together what pickled asparagus tasted like.

We stuck the jar in a kitchen cupboard. There it stayed, because, of course, by the next time his mother came to visit, we had forgotten all about it.

Time went by, and life went on, bringing its larger and smaller gifts. It also brought tragedy. Wayne was killed when his small plane crashed into a tranquil piece of North Dakota prairie, a lot like the place he had grown up.

A few months later, I sold our house. One of the things I found when I was packing was the jar of pickled asparagus. I stuck it into a box with the other canned goods and hauled it to my new house, determined not to forget about it this time. I planned to give it as a gag gift to one of the friends who had helped me move, but unfortunately he didn't make it to the thank-you dinner. (Not, as far as I know, because he had heard about the pickled asparagus in advance.)

When I sold that house over a year later, the jar was still in the cupboard. I moved it again. This time, though, I wasn't going to stick it away and forget about it. One evening, with no guests, no special occasion, no reason whatsoever except curiosity, I finally opened the jar to taste the pickled asparagus.

One taste was more than enough. Asparagus has a strong flavor to begin with. When you compound that with a too-generous amount of garlic and an overkill of dill, you have, in my opinion, committed a culinary crime. By giving cupboard space to the jar all that time—not to mention moving it twice—I had no doubt been guilty of aiding and abetting. The pickled asparagus went straight to the compost pile, where the deer avoided it for weeks.

The moral to the story? When life hands you unexpected gifts, don't stash them away in a cupboard. Open them right away. It gives you a chance to enjoy them and maybe even get some more. Or, if they turn out to be pickled asparagus, it allows you to save yourself time and trouble by getting rid of them right away.

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Mohs for the Nose

It's interesting to notice the way people give you a quick look, and then carefully don't stare, when you have a large bandage across your nose.

Back in March, I noticed a small bump near the end of my nose. It didn't hurt, it didn't look especially ominous, it didn't get any bigger—but it didn't go away. Eventually I made an appointment to have a dermatologist look at it. They did a biopsy and told me it was skin cancer. Last week I went in to have it removed.

The procedure the doctor used is called Mohs surgery. They cut off a layer of skin and examine it for cancer cells. If they find any, they cut off a second layer. This is repeated until they take off a layer that is cancer-free. I was fortunate; all the cancer cells were removed in the first layer.

The only part that hurt was the shot to numb my nose. Still, it wasn't a lot of fun. There is something very personal about having someone come at your face with a sharp knife, even when you know it's for your own good.

As the final step in the surgery, the doctor made a U-shaped incision and pulled the skin down to cover the site. More accurately, he pushed the end of my nose up under the skin. He said cheerfully, "You know how, as you get older, the end of your nose sags? That is never going to happen to you."

Maybe I'll appreciate that eventually. Right at that moment, I really didn't care. By the time they finished securing everything with a fat white pressure bandage and a lot of tape, it felt as if someone had duct-taped the end of my nose to my eyebrows.

After two days, I was able to take that bandage off and graduate to a large band-aid. It's a challenge, by the way, to get a band-aid to fit your nose. After considerable trial and error, I figured out that trimming off about half of the sticky part to make a sort of band-aid butterfly worked reasonably well. I'm considering publishing a small pamphlet of my designs.

As you may be able to tell, I'm a firm believer in humor as a way of coping with stuff, like surgery, that isn't a lot of fun. Skin cancer, however, isn't really a laughing matter. It's the most common form of cancer in this country. One in five Americans will develop it. Forty to fifty percent of those who live past age 65 will get it. The good news is that it's almost always curable when it's detected early, and it can be prevented.

The three primary types of skin cancer are basal cell carcinoma, squamous cell carcinoma, and melanoma. Basal cell is by far the most common. It rarely spreads to surrounding organs or results in death, but it can damage surrounding tissue and can be disfiguring.

The second most common type is squamous cell, which is what I had. This type can spread, though only a small percentage of cases do. It does cause about 2500 deaths every year in the United States.

The third type, melanoma, is the nasty one. It represents only about three percent of skin cancer cases, but it causes over 75 percent of the deaths. The father of one of my friends died from melanoma a few years ago. Again, however, melanoma is nearly 100 percent curable with early detection and treatment.

Detection is one defense against skin cancer. It's a good idea, after age 40 or so, to see a dermatologist for an annual skin exam. This is especially important because many cancers are inconspicuous little spots that aren't nearly as obvious as the one that appeared on my nose. It's also a good idea to become familiar with your own skin. Know what moles, scars, and age spots you have. If you notice one changing, or you see a new spot that looks suspicious spot, don't wait. Call a dermatologist and have it checked. For some excellent information on what is suspicious, go to www.skincancer.org.

The second defense against skin cancer is prevention. Preventing skin cancer is based on one simple strategy: protect yourself from the sun. The basic tools for sun protection are simple:

Sunscreen. Use it, early and often. PF 15 at a minimum, 30 or better if you're going to be out in the sun for a long time. For women, it's a great idea to form the habit of using a daily moisturizer with sunscreen.

Long sleeves. If I'm out hiking or working in the yard, I've learned to wear a long-sleeved cotton shirt rather than a tee shirt or tank top. It's actually just as cool. Besides it keeps you from getting a tee-shirt tan that makes you look funny when you put on your swimsuit.

Hats. A baseball cap will shade your face. It doesn't protect the back of your neck, though—unless you want to wear it backwards and really look like a dork. Even then, it won't do a thing for your ears. What you need is a broad-brimmed hat. I was excited to find hats at www.tilley.com, where they are available in a variety of sizes—all the way down to 6 7/8 for people like me with kid-sized heads.

Shade. Stay in the shade as much as you can, and try to do most of your gardening and other outdoor activities in the morning and evening rather than the middle of the day. True, your neighbors might get annoyed when you mow your lawn at 6:00 a.m. But then they probably won't invite you to their 4th of July barbecue, which will give you another opportunity to stay out of the sun.

Protecting yourself from the sun doesn't mean regarding it as the enemy. The sun, after all, is so essential to life on this planet that many cultures over the ages have worshipped it as a god. Like many gods, it demands to be treated with respect. If you don't, there will be consequences. That's as plain as—well, the nose on my face.

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Pointed Lessons from the Grandkids

Important life lessons one can learn from having a couple of grandkids visit for a couple of weeks:

Lesson One: An 11-year-old and a 12-year-old, even ones who are enthusiastic about hiking, are likely to run out of steam two-thirds of the way up Harney Peak to such an extent that one of them is sure he's "gonna die." Yet those same kids, at the end of the steep six-mile trip up to the summit and back down, will have ample energy to spend an extra 45 minutes scrambling up, down, and over the rocks around Sylvan Lake.

Corollary to Lesson One: A tired child who is "gonna die" is not amused when his loving grandmother's response is, "Does that mean I can have your lunch?"

Lesson Two: If your ego is somewhat fragile, it is a mistake to get out the dominos and teach two very bright grandkids to play Mexican Train.

Lesson Three: A dart that hits a sliding glass door just right (or just wrong) will shatter it.

Corollary A to Lesson Three: A large flattened cardboard box is not as effective a backstop for a dartboard as it may seem.

Corollary B to Lesson Three: A non-dart playing grandmother who thinks a good place to set up the dart board is in front of the patio door would do well to get a second opinion.

Corollary C to Lesson Three: Dart-shattered safety glass doesn't immediately fall out of its frame, but it makes ominous crinkling noises for at least half an hour.

Corollary D to Lesson Three: It takes a lot of masking tape to secure a large piece of heavy plastic over a broken sliding glass door.

Corollary E to Lesson Three: The estimate from the glass repair shop for replacing the glass in a door is enough to make a frugal grandmother wish she had suggested playing poker instead of darts.

Corollary F to Lesson Three: Breaking the shattered safety glass out of the door frame by tapping it with a screwdriver handle is sort of fun—but when you figure the per-minute cost, it's very expensive entertainment.

Corollary G to Lesson Three: When a friend who hears about the broken glass says, "It could have been worse—at least it wasn't an eye," she is absolutely right.

Lesson Four: If the kids want to come back next summer, they'll be welcomed with open arms, homemade cinnamon rolls, and plans for new hikes. Oddly enough, however, the dart board will have mysteriously disappeared.

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