Monthly Archives: July 2007

Chokecherries

To the uninitiated, picking chokecherries might seem to be pointless endeavor. The pea-sized fruits are pretty enough, hanging on the bushes in clusters that change as they ripen from a bright orange/red to a maroon so deep it is almost black. But each berry is mostly seed, covered with a thin layer of flesh so bitter that eating one will pucker your mouth for a week. Once picked, the berries have to be cooked, then mashed through a colander to separate the juice and pulp from the seeds. Producing chokecherry juice is a labor-intensive process.

That juice, however, is well worth the effort. Sweetened and cooked with pectin, it produces some of the best jelly you could ever hope to taste.

And that’s why I was out in my back yard yesterday morning, wading through knee-high grass that was still wet from last night’s thunder shower. I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and had my jeans tucked into my socks, a fashion faux pas designed to ward off ticks and chiggers.

As I stripped off clusters of chokecherries and dropped them into my bag, I kept thinking about my grandmother. I was remembering summer expeditions when she, my mother, my three sisters, and I, armed with ice cream buckets, would set out to pick chokecherries.

We kids would pick one or two berries at a time, swat at flies and mosquitoes, complain about scratchy branches and tickly tall grass, and periodically compare buckets to see who had picked the most. We always had to taste one chokecherry to verify that they were as tart as they had been the year before. We would get hot, and itchy, and bored, and be ready to go home long before our pails were filled.

Grandma would remind us that we were supposed to be picking berries, not leaves and stems, and that the harder we worked, the sooner we would be finished. All the while she would be methodically stripping off one cluster after another, harvesting every chokecherry she could reach. They would rattle into her bucket in a steady stream, and she usually had her pail half full before any of us had even covered the bottom of ours. She hated to quit while there were any ripe berries left on the bushes.

I discovered yesterday morning that, in the chokecherry-picking department, I am still more like the child I used to be than I am like my grandmother. I certainly pick faster and more efficiently than I did then, but my bag still had an embarrassing amount of stems and leaves mixed in with the berries. I got bored. I kept checking my bag to see how much I had. Even so, I hated to quit while there was still fruit on the bushes, always finding just one more cluster that I could reach if I stretched a little bit further.

I also enjoyed remembering a story that Grandma told me when she was in her 90s. One day, many years earlier, Grandpa had been a few miles away helping a neighbor with some work. Suppertime came, then evening, and finally full dark, and he still hadn’t come home. Grandma lay awake half the night, worrying that he had wrecked the car and was lying hurt in a ditch. Finally, in the wee hours, he showed up, unhurt and quite pleased with himself. On his way home the previous evening, he had come across some berry-laden bushes and had stopped to pick some. He had spent half the night filling the car with chokecherries and brought them home to her.

She didn’t tell me what her response was, but I wonder how pleased she really was with that unexpected bounty. It’s just possible that her plans for the next couple of days hadn’t included cooking a carload of chokecherries. Maybe, that once, there were more than enough chokecherries, even for Grandma.

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Midway or No Way

It’s summer—the time for county fairs, midways, and carnivals. As I kid, I always went for the tamer rides on the midway. Not for me the stomach-churning contraptions with names like “The Screaming Sidewinder” that hurl you through the air, fling you upside-down and inside-out, and finally spit you out with your knees wobbling and your face an interesting shade of green. No, the carousel and the Ferris wheel were about as adventurous as I ever cared to get.

My late husband, however, was much more of a risk-taker. No boring old Ferris wheels for him. He was a roller coaster kind of guy. Once we visited a resort in Nevada that had a roller coaster. This was no carnival roller-coaster wannabe to be hauled around on the back of a truck and set up in half an hour at the local fairgrounds. It was the real thing, installed around and above the hotel. It climbed almost straight up till it was higher than the building, then dropped straight down—and after that it got nasty.

Wayne, of course, wanted to go on this ride. And he wanted to share the experience with me. I told him thanks but no thanks, I didn’t like roller coasters.

“Have you ever ridden on one?” he asked.

Well, no, not really. Not actually. Never, in fact.

“So how do you know you don’t like them if you’ve never been on one?”

Well, I just knew, okay? At the same time, I pride myself on being a logical and fair-minded person, so I had to admit the validity of his argument.

Once I had gone that far, there was no way out. Which is why, a few minutes later, I found myself standing beside him in line, a ticket clutched in my sweaty fist. The name of the ride was printed on the ticket: “The Desperado.” It was not reassuring.

For once I didn’t mind standing in line, but unfortunately our turn came all too soon. We joined the rush of enthusiastic teenagers and small children and climbed into a car. Two slender preteen girls just ahead of us said that they had been on the roller coaster dozens of times over the past two days. “It’s a blast!”

The safety bar that snapped across my lap was so tight I was sure it would leave bruises. There wasn’t time to ask the attendant to loosen it before we took off. After the first few seconds, I was glad there hadn’t been. The car climbed slowly, ratcheting up the first steep grade. I knew we were going to drop abruptly sooner or later, so I hung on tightly, trying to prepare myself.

It didn’t do any good. Suddenly we were plummeting straight down, and it felt as if my head were going to fly off. I had been worried about getting sick to my stomach. Not a problem. I was too terrified to even remember I had a stomach. We screamed along the track at an angle that tipped us sideways, we whipped around sharp curves, we rippled up and down steep little backbreaking hills. We didn’t go upside-down. If I hadn’t been so scared, I might have been grateful for at least that one small concession.

At first Wayne kept telling me, “Relax! Just relax!” He finally must have decided that particular piece of advice was pointless, because he switched to, “Breathe! Just breathe!”

Meanwhile, the two girls in front of us were screaming and waving their arms in the air and having a wonderful time. They kept glancing back, though, obviously getting a bit worried about me. Finally, after the longest two and a half minutes of my life, one of them shouted, “It’s okay; it’s almost over.”

Mercifully, it was. We slowed down, went through a short tunnel, and rumbled to a stop. The attendant released the safety bar, and I pried my stiff fingers from around it, leaving fingernail marks in the steel.

I managed to climb out of the car and walk away on legs that just barely held me up. My neck hurt, my knees were shaking, and I felt a strong urge to sit down in the nearest dark corner and cry.

Wayne grinned heartlessly at me. “Well, you made it,” he said. “Are you glad you went?”

“I knew I didn’t like roller coasters,” I said.

“But how can you be so sure?” he argued. “You’ve only ridden once. You can’t decide for sure till you’ve been on at least a couple of rides.”

Oh, yes I could. I had.

If you see me at the fair this year, you may recognize me. I’ll be the one waiting in line for the merry-go-round.

Categories: Just For Fun | 1 Comment

Sorry, Mr. McGregor

Last week—shades of Peter Rabbit and Mr. McGregor—I spotted a cottontail in my garden. “Garden” may be too formal a name for three tomato plants, some persistent grass, a little clover, way too much creeping Jenny, and at least one thistle. I could certainly understand how such a model of flourishing horticulture might appeal to a cottontail. What I couldn’t understand was how the furry little invader got in there.

The garden is in a raised circular bed that’s about 18 inches high, with a woven wire fence on top of that and a wire screen over the whole thing. I couldn’t see any rabbit-sized gaps in the fence or any signs of digging underneath it. My best guess was that the rabbit must have hopped in the day before while I was watering the tomatoes and had left the gate open for a while. I opened the gate, shooed it out, and figured the incident was closed—at least as long as the gate was closed.

But two days later, there was the rabbit again, hiding behind a tomato plant, nose twitching, the perfect picture of long-eared innocence. This time I knew the gate had been shut. When I approached the fence, the bunny didn’t wait for me to open the gate, but headed in the opposite direction. It got to the fence, slowed down slightly, and hopped right through.

For anyone who cares to know, I have now established, through actual observation and measurement, that a cottontail can slip through an opening two inches wide by four inches high. When I bought the fence, I was thinking about deer, not rabbits. The solution, I decided, was to get some light woven wire with a smaller mesh and put a row of it around the bottom of the fence. Good idea. I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Last evening, when I watered the tomato plants, I decided it was past time to do a little weeding. I put my gloves on and pulled the thistle. I took a hoe to the grass and the clover. I pulled some of the creeping Jenny, which is a futile endeavor, but at least I could say I was trying.

Underneath one side of the largest tomato plant was a pile of dried grass and weeds, left over from the last time I got ambitious enough to weed the garden. I picked up a handful of it and tossed it over the fence. The second handful contained some bits of soft gray fur.

When I picked up the third handful, there they were—five or six baby cottontails, snuggled together in the nest their mother had hollowed out and covered with the leavings from my weeding. I was startled to see them. I’m sure they were more than startled to see me. It must be terrifying to have the roof ripped off your house to reveal a giant, menacing creature crouched over your bed. Frightened as they must have been, though, they held true to their instincts and training and didn’t move. I just had a glimpse of bright eyes and twitching noses before I dropped the grass back over them.

Now I was faced with a moral dilemma. The immediate question was whether to go ahead and water the bunny-harboring tomato plant. Yes, I decided. The nest was under one side of the plant but not inside the basin I had dug around it to hold in water. If mama bunny had chosen to build her house on the edge of a lake, it wasn’t my problem if her basement occasionally flooded.

The bigger dilemma was what to do about the nest. Rabbits are pests. Rabbits, or so I presume, eat tomatoes. Peter notwithstanding, rabbits don’t belong in gardens. Mr. McGregor and I are quite in agreement about that.

Yet, in the instant I decided, without any thought, to cover up the baby cottontails again instead of getting rid of them, they somehow became my rabbits. Maybe because they were so cute. Maybe because they were so vulnerable, lying still in the nest with their hearts thumping and their ears flattened back. Maybe just because they were babies.

Or maybe because of my respect for their mother’s wisdom in choosing the site for her nest. She found the perfect spot, safe from foxes, dogs, cats, and hawks—from almost any predators, in fact, except me. Judging from the height and quantity of the weeds, she probably figured I didn’t spend enough time in the garden to pose much of a threat.

I have to admit she was right. For now, my garden consists of three tomato plants, some half-hoed grass, a little clover, still too much creeping Jenny, no thistles, five or six baby bunnies, and one quick and clever mother cottontail. I can always rabbit-proof the fence after the babies grow up and leave home. It’s a decision I may regret if I find bunny bite marks in half my tomatoes. On the other hand, if they promise to eat the creeping Jenny instead of the tomatoes, we might even negotiate a long-term lease.

Mr. McGregor would be ashamed of me, but I don’t care.

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Guilt-Free Shampoo and Clear-Conscience Conditioner

I bought some new shampoo last week. As I put it away in the bathroom, I noticed this reassuring sentence printed on the bottle: “This product was not tested on animals.” How nice to know I can enjoy a guilt-free shower, secure in the knowledge that no innocents have been harmed in order to help me face the day with squeaky-clean, shiny tresses.

But not all cosmetic companies are so humane. Just imagine the trauma for all the poor beasts who have been victimized by these heartless corporations—forced to endure trials of shampoos, styling gels, hair sprays, lotions, and countless other beauty products.

The following case histories are taken from interviews with a few of the hapless victims. (While the species are real, the names have been changed in order to protect the innocent.)

Toinette, Miniature Poodle. “Mon Dieu, what an ordeal! ‘Conditioner,’ they called it. May a peasant with the hands of a blacksmith ‘condition’ them—the barbarians! What their uncivilized potion did to my beautiful curls was a crime. The frizz! The tangles! One could scarcely endure to be combed. And then, as if such pain were not suffering enough, I was taken—oh, almost I cannot bear to speak it!—I was taken Out In Public. Forced to walk in the park among my friends and acquaintances. Oh, I held my head high. I pretended not to care. But I heard, you understand. The whispers. The stifled laughter behind my back. The humiliation! The shame! Still, to this day, I have the nightmares.”

Attila, Rottweiler. “I don’t talk about it much, see. Guys like me, we don’t. But what they used on me was baby shampoo. Left my coat all soft and fluffy, like a pup that hadn’t been groomed proper. Ruined that sleek, menacing look that us tough guys need. Made me look about as intimidating as a Cocker Spaniel. And the smell? “Lavender and Lilac,” they said it was. Disgusting stuff. Lost my night watchman job over it, I did. Anybody tries to get near me with anything like that again, he’s gonna lose an arm.”

Scheherazade, Pekingese. “Hellooo?! Did somebody really think the magenta styling gel and the spiked hair was my kind of fashion statement? I’m a lap dog, for crying out loud! I need people to see me as cute, cuddly, and in need of pampering and treats. Sure, sure, I know I’m really an egotistical little tyrant, but for cripes’ sake give me credit for being smart enough not to want to look like one! What’s next? Nose piercing?”

These interviewees, like many others, managed to escape their torment. They are now living safely at secret, cosmetic-free refuges, where they receive counseling from animal psychologists and are encouraged to participate in weekly support groups.

Other potential victims, stronger or blessed by Mother Nature with better natural weaponry, manage to fight back on their own. Like Anonymous, a Crocodile, who was interviewed from a circumspect distance. “Body lotion? Keep that greasy glop with its Gawd-awful smell away from my hide. I’m a croc, okay? My skin is like leather. Get over it.”

He added with a grin, “Of course, if you want me to taste the stuff, that’s different. Just smear some on your arm and let me at it.”

Categories: Just For Fun | 2 Comments

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